3BT – Three Beautiful Things

1. My daughters- They are all different and I love them each in a uniquely different and equal way.
2. My apartment- I just downsized from a 4 bedroom townhome to a 3 bedroom apartment. I thought  I would miss my townhome, but I love my apartment.
3. The generosity of hospitality- I am glad the I obeyed God and offered my hospitality all the times he required it of me. It is the reason I am so blessed.

Relationships Between Black Men & Black Women

This is a chain email that I recieved from my daughter India at work. I am not sure who wrote it. Some of it I agree with, some of it don’t. I think we have a lot of the same issues. This article could have easily been written about a black woman. Before anyone calls me a racist, I am a black woman. So I can what I want to say about my people freely. I love my black brothers and I want to build up women in stregnth, courage, and wisdom. Each one teach one.

I love the African Proverb: If I appear tall to you it is because I am standing on the shoulders of my brothers.

One of the most obvious areas in our community that need healing is in the relationships between Black men and Black women. Currently there is a basic distrust of brothers by Black women, and too many brothers approach dealing with Black women with a “pimp or die” mentality. Without further vilifying black men or victimizing

black women I want to attempt to shed some light on the inner workings of men as they deal with women and how ultimately the interactions between the two are more about a mans discovery with himself than about the relationship with the woman.

In the movie The Brothers, Jennifer Lewis (Morris Chestnut’s mother) makes the statement that a man doesn’t even know himself until he knows what kind of woman he wants. As I continue to grow, I understand that statement more and more. Men have a tendency to define themselves through externals rather than by their inner qualities.

Ask a man to tell you about himself and he will most likely begin by telling you what he does, his occupation or his possessions. Of all of the externals in a man’s world, the thing that communicates the most about him is his choice of a woman. That is not to say that the woman he chooses will be just like him, but by looking at the woman he chooses to complement himself with, you can understand a lot about what he values, has to offer and even what he feels that he lacks.      

Often times when a man is discovering himself he will find himself dealing with a variety of women simultaneously. Each of these women will be distinctively different from the next, but will represent a different part of the man himself. Most will have one woman with whom they simply have a good time with, she is almost like one of the boys and he has little interest in developing a romantic relationship with her. He probably will tell her the details of his dealings with other women to get a “female’s point of view”.         

Then there is the one who to him is a “good girl” and represents what he deems to be morally good and right. He will often go to her with his problems and shortcomings because he knows that she will tell him the truth about himself and his actions in an attempt to challenge him to grow mentally and spiritually. Lastly there will be his “freak girl”. She is his proverbial booty call and blows his mind in the bedroom. He has absolutely zero interest in ever wanting anything deeper with her than sex (And in

the most convenient cases neither does she). As he deals with these women and gets loser to some and further from others, he is learning what he as a man values and wants to keep permanent in his life.

So while in his conscious mind he may believe that he is trying to find the right one’ he is actually trying to find himself. As men travel between what I call the searching stage to the commitment stage, there are women who are bound to be left as casualties along the way. Sometimes it is because there is lack of honesty and integrity from the man, but many times it is due to a lack of understanding whether or not the man that she is investing in is in the searching stage or settling into the commitment stage.

An understanding of this by both the man, and women would help the process quite a bit. Men must be responsible in communicating where he is in his development, and women must not disparage the man because he encountered her while he was in the searching stage rather than the committing stage. The best barometer to determine which stage a man is in is his career.

If a man is not settled in his career, chances are he is not settled overall and is not at the stage to commit to marriage. Moreover I would also suggest that because of the responsibility that the Bible places the man to be the provider, a man who is not settled in a career is also not fit for marriage.

Unfortunately there are an increasing number of men who are being content allowing their women to be the ones who provide and attain while they reap the benefits. A real man however would never feel comfortable shacking up in his woman’s home, relying on his woman’s vehicle as his means of transportation, or being supported by her financially. He would rather struggle to work while finishing school or starting his business and achieving and attaining something for himself then present himself to her.

Women who have become desperate for companionship have lowered their standards to think that supporting their man financially is acceptable as long as he loves her in return. However although most won’t admit it, when a woman is supporting a man, if affects her ability to respect him and to feel secure with him. A real man would not be comfortable attempting to commit to a relationship if he cannot offer the woman a sense of stability. If he does then the relationship will be destined for failure because her lack of respect for him will cause her to take more of a motherly role than that of a companion.         

A large part of a man’s definition of his manhood is centered around being able to maintain a consistent job and support himself and his family financially. Some men go through great lengths to accomplish these goals spending long hours at work or working on his start-up business; oftentimes to the detriment of the relationships in the home that he is trying desperately to support. Many women do not understand this and often nag their man for spending too much time at work.

But to compete with a man’s job, is to compete with part of the essence of him, his definition of himself will cause him to emotionally withdraw from her and eventually the relationship.  Until a man who is building his self-identity is able to duplicate that mental image of a man is his own life, he is not comfortable with his self-image. This insecurity makes will hinder his ability to effectively and Affectionately love the woman that he desires to be with. There are too many women asking men to commit to a relationship with them before they are able to do so. She would do well to allow the  man to establish himself until he is comfortable with his self-image before asking him to give himself to her before he feels worthy to do so.

Actually she should require it. As men it is our responsibility to be uncompromisingly open and honest with the women in our lives. We must be honest about the type of man that we truly are, where we are in our development in life and what we can and cannot offer her at that time. This begins by being honest with ourselves.            

We cannot live beneath our expectations of manhood and we must position ourselves to provide for ourselves and our families. That means being able to provide financially, emotionally and spiritually. That is God’s charge to us as men and nothing short of that is acceptable.

Don’t tell friends all your business.

Sometimes friends give the worst advice.

Check your friends when they get out of hand running off at the mouth about your relationship.

Check your friends motives and decide if they are true friends.

Are your friends well meaning women who have never had a lasting relationship or are they vicious gossips who hate to see you have some semblance of happiness? Or did you start the conversation and it got out of control? These things happen.

I have overheard many conversations at work. Women share intimate stories with their friends, ask advice from the very friend who everyone knows  isn’t fit to give advice. What is up with putting all of your business in the street? We must stop this high school behavior.

No More Drama & Pain

Drama is defined as an episode that is turbulent or highly emotional

Pain is defined as causing emotional anguish or make miserable

 

Pardon me if neither of these two things are my idea of fun. I could think of so many other things to do than be a part of drama and experience the pain that goes along with it. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I feel like Erykah Badu’s bag lady. If I don’t put these Drama bags down, I am going to miss my bus. I don’t want to miss my bus! God’s got a blessing for me and I am not going to miss it messing around with Drama.

I’m not bitter, I’m just tired. I don’t have the same emotional energy I had at 18 to deal with hardcore drama and pain. I used to be able to bounce back, forgive, forget and move on. Now I forgive and move on. Drama leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.  I have been trained to avoid it. If I can’t walk around it, I try to jump over it. If I can jump over it, then I try to go underneath it. For some reason Drama has my name attached to it and I always end up having to bust right through it. Thank you Jesus for the inate stregnth that you have given me to cope with life. Everything is Drama: work, school, family, internal anguish, plans, goals.

Loving myself, America, unafraid

My three beautiful things for today:

1. I love myself even when I make mistakes. Somehow I can always find a way to love me,  even when others find me less than worthy.
2. Even though I am disappointed with the picture America has painted of women, I still couldnt imagine living anywhere else. I have undescibable freedom here in the United States. For some reason, today I appreciate that. May have something to do with my government class.  
3. I am not afraid of change. I get frustrated, impatient, sick and tired of being tired, but I am not afraid. I have given birth, overcome poverty, built a 14 year marriage year by year, raised five kids – his, mines, & ours. I can do anything. God already proved that to me. What should I fear?

Change is Good

Vision, hearing, smell, taste, touch: In certain ways, all these senses are the same. They all transduce stimulus energy into neural impulses. They are all more sensitive to change than to constant stimulation.

If you are bored with your relationship or your spouse/friend is bored with the relationship,  change something. Change anything.  Do you want him to notice you the way he used to, change something. He may not be able to put his finger on the change, but he will know something is different.

A subtle change is a good way to spark interest.

Good food, spare time, short story

Three beautiful things for today:

1. The time to prepare good food.
2. Spare time to write and just be me.
3. A book short enough to hold my attention and get the story told.

Love is a choice

Rom 13:10 L^{26 Love worketh no ill  to his neighbor: therefore 26 the fulfilling  of the law.}

^{Love is a choice as much as what you eat for dinner is a choice.  If love is fulfilling of the law, then it must be a choice. Can’t we choose whether or not we follow the law? Love is a choice. I decide who and for how long.  I choose to love. I just have to learn how. I know what I think it means to love. I am sure my ideal is flawed, but It’s a start. I’ll start with my family, friends and the people who enter my life.}

Three Beautiful Things

1. Being able to pay all my bills.
2. The satisfaction of being a great parent.
3. My husband.

Southern Hospitality

Matthew 25:35 : For when I was hungry, you gave me food; when I was thirsty, you gave me drink; when I was homeless, you gave me a welcome…

Southern Hospitality

What happened to Southern Hospitality? I remember as a child my Grandmother opened her house to her friends. They had get togethers and there was music, laughter, and love. I think Southern Hospitality has given way to fear. We fear betrayal and theft. We fear being taken advantage of and walked on. Southern Hopsitality is gone and has been replaced by a spirit of fear.

This week I have been given the opportunity to extend my hospitality to family friends. We haven’t always seen eye to eye, we’ve exchanged harsh words and went our seperate ways. I have been getting back into Christ and praying a lot. I asked God to help me communicate what I feel and make myself more open and receptive. This was my test.

They are with me until Friday. I am actually proud of myself. I opened my heart and my home. I got past my fear of loosing things and opened my heart to help.

Three Beautiful Things

1. The opportunity to be a blessing.
2. The joy and satisfaction that fills my heart after following God’s commands, especially whey it’s a huge challenge for me.
3. The fresh smell of grass and wet concrete on a rainy day. I find beauty in the monochromatic colors of a cloudy day.